Regulating Emotions: Acceptance
- nikitamoody
- Oct 17, 2023
- 3 min read
We looked at an overview of emotions here so now it's time to start exploring what to do with them!
Have you ever been told that you need to learn how to control your emotions? Or that you feel ‘too much’? Me too. The problem with these types of messages is that they never tell us how to manage our emotions and are often about other people’s discomfort with our feelings.
Emotional regulation refers to our ability to exert control over our emotions. We all have strategies for regulating our emotions, some are more helpful long term than others! Common strategies include avoidance, suppression, distraction and substance use.
We’re not judging these strategies; we are all doing our best trying to survive and these strategies develop to protect us. But we can explore alternative options that might help us.
Emotional regulation is a skill! This means it can be learned but often requires a lot of practice particularly for those of us who have never been taught how to do this. It is not possible or necessary to regulate every emotional experience but can be most helpful when they interfere with desired behaviours or goals (Gross, 2014).
Accepting our Emotions
If we cannot accept what we are feeling then moving through the experience will not be possible. We will layer on judgements of ourselves and our emotions which does not allow us the internal space to move forwards.
This might be the hardest part of emotional regulation for some people and that’s okay! We have so many messages throughout our lives from different sources that it can take a lot to unpick all of this, be patient with yourself.
Acceptance doesn’t mean we have to love all emotional experiences. It invites us to let go of the need to quickly reject feelings that arise.
Dr. Russ Harris outlines the 4 A’s of Acceptance:
Acknowledge: Mindfully notice and name the emotion(s)
Allow: Let them be present (don’t run away)
Accommodate: Opening up and making space for them
Appreciate: Our emotions motivate us to behave in particular ways, illuminate what is important, and help us to communicate with others.
How can we actually practice this?
Mindfulness
Regular mindfulness practices can help us to move into the position of being an observer of our emotions. Rather than getting caught up in the ongoing battle of trying to push emotions away, we can step back and start to watch them safe in the knowledge that they will pass. Here are some videos that might be a helpful place to start:
Mindfulness of Current Emotions (an overview)
Affirmations
Affirmations can be a helpful tool when working towards reinforcing more balanced beliefs about emotions. They can act as a counter for the unhelpful beliefs we have developed over our lives about our ability to handle emotions.
Check out this article from Psychology Today about the research behind affirmations.
It’s important to find phrases that work for you but some of the following might be helpful:
My emotions are valid
It is safe to feel my emotions
I am capable of handling my emotions
All emotions will pass, this is only temporary
Journaling
Whether you already have a regular journaling practice or not, writing our thoughts and feelings can help us develop self-awareness and move towards acceptance.
Consider these prompts as a starting point:
What emotion(s) am I feeling right now?
What does this feel like in my body?
What is this emotion trying to tell me?
Writing letters addressed to our emotions might help, too. As a general starting point:
Dear anxiety,
I know that you are trying to protect me and keep me safe right now. I can feel you in my racing heart and sweaty palms. Thank you for working hard to keep me away from threats. Right now, the threat isn’t life-threatening so let’s go into this together.
Further reading
Lindsay, E. K., & Creswell, J. D. (2019). Mindfulness, acceptance, and emotion regulation: perspectives from Monitor and Acceptance Theory (MAT). Current opinion in psychology, 28, 120–125. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.12.004
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