We’re quick to dismiss our emotions, to push them away and to judge them. This post follows a closer look at anxiety which you can read here. Today, we’re looking at anger.
Anger is defined as: “a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.”
Whilst there are nuances to experiences of anger, it can help to view it on a continuum from some mild annoyance at one end to intense anger at the other.
Anger shows up in expected ways: clenched fists, muscle tension, an urge to yell, increased temperature
And in unexpected ways: feeling depressed, tiredness, being tearful
We often view anger as ‘bad’ and something to be side-stepped. Rather than allowing anger to exist, the inclination is to look at what might be underneath the anger. Is it actually sadness? Or anxiety? While there may be other feelings present and deeper, giving anger the space is the most compassionate way to get to this rather than attempting to push it away. We hold a lot of shame around anger, beating ourselves up when we get angry about things telling ourselves we 'should' feel differently.
Avoidance of anger is a very common experience. We often equate anger with aggression and violence so suppressing anger is a way to avoid this potential. Growing up, we often learn about anger from our adults around us. For example, you might avoid letting anger out through fear that it’ll transform to the arguments your parents used to have. We also get shamed for expressing our anger, told that we’re ‘too much’ and need to ‘calm down’. These messages lead us to hide this emotion through concerns about being judged poorly.
Our anger itself is not a problem, our responses to anger can result in problems. If we are unable to tolerate anger so push it down and pretend that everything is okay, it won’t go anywhere. The anger is still sitting somewhere in our bodies and minds often bubbling away until something pushes it to come out sideways. Ever snapped at someone for a seemingly insignificant reason? Or got ‘road rage’? This is often a sign that other significant emotional experiences have not been processed properly.
So what can we do differently?
Firstly, it can be helpful to understand the purpose of emotions in order to move through them and recognise that anger is useful. It’s often trying to tell us:
Something is unfair, there has been injustice that we’re being drawn to push back against
Our boundaries have been crossed, anger is calling us to reassert these boundaries
Something is getting in the way of achieving our goals, anger might be pointing us to try a different direction
Recognising that anger is not inherently bad or dangerous is an important step. One way to do this is to explore our relationship to anger (take a look at the reflection prompts below) and explore alternative responses when we feel anger rising.
Reflection prompts
When anger begins to build, how do you respond? Do you try pushing it away? Do you turn it inward?
Where did you learn this response? Think about how others around you respond to anger.
Do other feelings come up alongside anger? Are you afraid of experiencing anger?
How do you release anger? Is there physical movement that can help to release it?
Other responses to anger
A lot of this has been focused on suppressing anger but we can also find ourselves caught in an inability to hold anger back. We let our anger out quickly and in behaviours that might hurt us or those around us. We might scream at those closest to us, break things or engage in self-harming behaviours. We can find ourselves caught in cycles of self-criticism relating to our behaviour which makes it harder to stop. For example:
The cycle can be broken but it might take some time to unpick it all. You might be unable to stop the feelings of anger but reminding yourself that you have control over the response is important. Sometimes, regular movement or meditation practices are enough to shift things for us. But, it might also help to talk through your experiences with a therapist if it’s proving difficult to change on your own.
Conclusion
Anger, no matter how uncomfortable, is not bad. It is a valuable emotion that indicates injustice and crossed boundaries, urging us to address something in our lives. Exploring our relationship with anger can help us to start feeling more empowered to navigate it when it bubbles up. You are not a bad person because you feel angry, you are a human and you have the ability to choose how to process your emotions.
Resources
Comentários