Why Do I Struggle to Recognise Needs?
Have you ever been asked “what do you need right now?” and found your mind
completely empty? You might find questions swimming round your head like ‘how am
I supposed to know what I need?’ You’re not alone with this, a lot of us find it really
challenging to recognise what we need. In this post, we’ll explore what needs are
and why we might have trouble identifying them.
What are needs?
The Cambridge Dictionary definition of ‘needs’ is “the things that a person must have
in order to have a satisfactory life or accomplish something.” We often need things
which we are otherwise lacking. This could include basic needs like food, shelter and
water or needs that seem more abstract like connection, growth or harmony.
You might have heard of Maslow’s ‘Hierarchy of Needs’ which offers a theory of a
tiered pyramid model which suggests that we can only meet needs higher up when
the needs lower down have been met. This suggests that, for example, without our
physiological needs being met, we will not be able to meet our need for safety or
love and belonging and so on.
Marshall Rosenberg, who developed Non-Violent Communication, emphasised that
needs as ‘universal’ meaning that they are held by all humans to varying degrees
across all cultural contexts. He describes this universality as a way to foster
compassion between people, we all have the same fundamental needs but might be
meeting them in different ways.
Why is recognising needs important?
Recognising what we need at any given moment allows us to support ourselves and communicate to others how they can support us. If we do not know what we need then we are unlikely to meet those needs which can lead to a sense of disconnection from ourselves. If we do not notice that we need rest, for example, we might keep pushing through tasks and taking on more activities until we reach a state of overwhelm and cannot function at a level we want to.
Recognising our personal needs helps us to set boundaries, can improve relationships by encouraging clear expression of how others can support us and prevents burnout.
What makes recognising needs so difficult?
That blank feeling or scrambling for words to describe our needs is not unique. It is
commonly experienced by people who have spent little time considering their own
needs. If, for any reason, you typically focus on the needs of others rather than your
own then it can feel confusing. This might be tied to childhood experiences shaping
beliefs that your needs are not important. It could indicate that you had to take a role
of meeting everyone else’s needs to feel safe. It can also tie to our current context
for example, parents are often placed in positions where the expectation is that they
will be focused on their child’s needs and this can come at the expense of their own.
Sometimes we receive messages that having needs on its own is selfish or about
expecting others to meet them. This can be a fixed belief even when we can
recognise that all humans have needs and noticing them can involve finding ways to
meet needs ourselves rather than looking to others.
We might recognise our needs but find it difficult to admit that we have them. If we
have internalised messages that being self-sufficient and independent is necessary
for our worth or value then naming needs might feel risky. Admitting that there is
something we need could be viewed as a sign of weakness.
Finally, we might just not have the language to name our needs. Naming more
abstract needs beyond the basic can be difficult without the right words. We might
find it easy to name that we need food, water or rest but more difficult to articulate a
need for stability or presence. It can also be difficult to find the words to describe
exactly what we mean by these words. For one person, stability could relate to
having routine but for another, it could be solely focused on financial security.
Conclusion
Struggling to know what we need does not mean there is something wrong with us.
Often, it makes sense when we think about the messages we have received, the
roles we have taken on or the language we have had available to us. Recognising
our needs can take time, especially if we are used to pushing them aside or focusing
on everyone else first.
Once we understand why needs can be hard to recognise, the next step is learning
how to notice them in day-to-day life. In the next post, we’ll explore some simple
ways to begin identifying what we might need, especially when the answer does not
come easily.
Reflection prompts
When someone asks, “what do you need?”, what tends to happen for you?
What messages have you received, directly or indirectly, about having needs?
Are there times when it feels easier to notice other people’s needs than your
own? What do you think contributes to this?
Are there any needs you find harder to name or admit to?
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