Challenges of Self-Compassion

In our previous blog, we explored self-compassion and how Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) describes three emotional regulation systems: threat, drive and soothing. While many people like the idea of being kinder to themselves, putting self-compassion into practice can feel difficult.

If you've ever found yourself thinking, "I don't deserve compassion" or "being kind to myself will make me lazy," you're not alone. Many people experience blocks, fears and resistances to self-compassion.

Why Is Self-Compassion So Difficult?

Many people assume self-compassion should feel natural. In reality, our brains evolved to prioritise survival not happiness. The threat system is constantly scanning for mistakes, rejection, criticism and danger.

For some people, self-criticism develops as a way of trying to protect themselves. Somewhere along the way, the mind learns that being hard on yourself might help you avoid failure, stay motivated or prevent other people from criticising you.

Although these strategies often begin with protective intentions, they can leave us feeling anxious, ashamed or not good enough.

Common Challenges of Self-Compassion

"If I'm kind to myself, I'll become lazy."

This is one of the most common concerns. Many people believe self-criticism is what keeps them striving and achieving. They worry that compassion means lowering standards or making excuses.

However, self-compassion is not about avoiding responsibility. Compassion involves courage, wisdom and a commitment to reducing suffering. We can acknowledge mistakes, learn from them and make changes without attacking ourselves.

In fact most of us are far more motivated by encouragement than by constant criticism. Consider what type of teacher you would want for your child, one that shouts and belittles them all the time or one that guides them through correcting their mistakes. 

"I Don't Deserve Compassion."

Feelings of shame can create a powerful barrier to self-compassion. When we have experienced rejection, trauma or difficult life circumstances, we may develop beliefs that we are somehow unworthy of kindness. As a result, compassion can feel uncomfortable or even wrong.

Yet compassion is not something we have to earn. It is a response to suffering. The moments when we struggle are often the moments when we need compassion most.

"Self-Criticism Keeps Me Safe."

Sometimes self-criticism functions as a safety strategy. We might believe that if we constantly point out our flaws, we can stay one step ahead of judgement from others. The mind reasons, "If I criticise myself first, nobody can hurt me."

While understandable, this strategy keeps the threat system activated. Instead of feeling protected, we often end up feeling exhausted and disconnected.

When Compassion Feels Uncomfortable

For some people, compassionate thoughts or exercises can trigger unexpected emotions.

Imagine someone who rarely experienced warmth, support or emotional safety growing up. Receiving kindness, even from themselves, may feel unfamiliar. The soothing system has had fewer opportunities to develop, so compassion can feel awkward, vulnerable or even threatening.

This doesn't mean self-compassion isn't working. Often, it means we are encountering experiences that have been difficult to access for a long time. Like any skill, self-compassion requires practice and patience.

Moving Towards Compassion

Rather than trying to force self-compassion, it can help to approach it with curiosity.

Ask yourself:

• What fears do I have about being compassionate towards myself?

• What do I worry might happen if I stopped criticising myself?

• Where did I learn these beliefs?

• Are they helping me now?

Sometimes simply becoming aware of our blocks is an important first step.

A Compassionate Perspective

Compassion Focused Therapy encourages us to remember a simple but powerful idea: much of what goes on in our minds is not our fault. Our brains, emotions, life experiences and environments all shape how we respond to ourselves and the world around us. Understanding this can help reduce shame and create space for compassion.

The goal is not to get rid of self-criticism completely. Instead, we can learn to recognise when the threat system is taking over and gradually strengthen our compassionate selves to be more supportive and encouraging. 

A Final Thought

If self-compassion feels difficult, that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. In fact, the struggle itself may be highlighting exactly why compassion is needed. The journey towards self-compassion is often less about learning to be kind to yourself and more about understanding what gets in the way. By acknowledging our fears, noticing our protective strategies and responding with curiosity rather than judgement, we can begin to create a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.