“You just have to set some boundaries” is a phrase with various iterations on many corners of social media. This seemingly small act of ‘setting boundaries’ is discussed as a way to protect your peace, help you achieve your goals and generally live a better life.
However, it’s a topic that is far more nuanced and leaves many people feeling hopeless or useless when they are repeatedly unable to set boundaries. In this post, we’ll be talking about what boundaries actually are and why they are more challenging to navigate for some folks.
Boundaries are defined by Pia Mellody as “invisible and symbolic fences”. They are lines we draw that define where one person ends and another begins. Boundaries are the rules or guidelines we use to teach others how to treat us.
They can exist on a continuum from porous to rigid with somewhere in the middle being defined as ‘healthy’. You can find a self-reflection tool (from positivepsychology.com) for figuring out where your boundaries are by clicking here.
Our boundaries can relate to various aspects of life and there are multiple ways in which boundaries are categorised. Some of these categories and examples are outlined below:
Time
This may refer to how much time you are willing or able to give to specific tasks or people. For example, I can only see you twice a week for 2 hours each time.
Conversational
We might have some topics of conversation that are off limits for us. An example might be that you will walk away if discussions turn to talking about diets.
Physical
Everyone has varied comfort levels with physical touch and the amount of physical space they need to feel safe. For example, I only hug people that I know really well.
Emotional
Our emotional experiences are ours to own but we may want to set boundaries relating to how much we share and our capacity to support other people with their emotions. For example, after a day at work I am not able to be emotionally available to you.
This might seem pretty simple so far but the various categories and examples highlight that to set boundaries, some understanding of ourselves needs to be in place.
Identify needs
What do I need in order to feel safe, comfortable and well? There are shared, universal but the specificity of these varies from person to person. If we want to set boundaries, we first require an understanding of our needs relating to different areas of life.
Identify values
What values are important to me? Without a knowledge of what matters, we will not have a sense of what we are setting boundaries for. If we can identify what truly matters then we know the purpose of setting boundaries is often to protect or enhance the position of those values in our lives.
Identify feelings
How do I feel? If we’re unable to notice how we feel, it’s really tricky to identify if boundaries have been crossed or maintained. When setting boundaries, our ability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings is an additional skill to develop.
All of this demonstrates the complexity of setting boundaries. It’s not as simple as ‘just say no’ and requires a depth of self-awareness that many people don’t have. An understanding of our needs, values and feelings can help with boundary setting. But what else makes boundary setting more challenging for some people?
Patterns of relating
We all have a blue print of relationships based on primary caregivers from childhood. As children, we absorb everything we witness, and all of the information is stored in our subconscious. Whether we recognise it or not, we have a tendency to repeat patterns in relationships. What you learned about boundaries as a child is still with you today.
If you had a parent who was overworked, constantly stressed but still said yes to everything, you may have internalised the idea that your needs come last and saying no is just not an option. Alternatively, you may have seen an adult with a rigid approach to everything that was never willing to compromise. This might result in ignoring other people’s conflicting needs to keep to the rules we must follow.
The likelihood is that parents and caregivers were doing the best with what they had but their patterns of relating to others regarding boundaries will often stay with us.
Fear of change
We might recognise all of the areas where we need to set boundaries. We might even have scripts ready to go for setting them but putting them in place means a big change. We might be questioning whether the change is even worth all this effort!
The reality is that our brains are wired to favour familiarity so changing our behaviour, even when it’s for the best, is incredibly challenging.
Worries about being judged
What if I’m being too harsh? What if people think I’m being boring? What if people call me selfish?
Society currently values people-pleasing, working over time, pushing ourselves to the limit and hustling to do more. It makes sense that boundary setting might be judged negatively by those around us. These judgements might come from their own patterns or from wishing that they were able to set boundaries but feel unable to.
For some people, it is really challenging to tolerate the idea of being judged negatively or even disliked.
Conclusion
“Set more boundaries” is the advice we keep hearing yet, we often need to meet our personal barriers with some compassion rather than trying to push through and criticising ourselves when we fall short. Boundary setting is a skill that can be learned and practice. But, it is not as simple as saying no a bit more and the confusing feelings that come up when we try setting boundaries deserve some space and attention.
You may need to develop a greater understanding of yourself and build up tolerance for uncomfortable feelings before beginning to set small boundaries with trusted people. Over time, with little steps, this can expand as and when you are ready.
Please remember that you are not faulty if you struggle to set boundaries. Your way of setting boundaries has developed in response to experiences throughout life as a way to keep you safe. When it stops feeling protective, be gentle with yourself as you start to explore changing things.
Reflection prompts:
What does ‘setting boundaries’ mean to you?
How easy or difficult is it to set boundaries? Does this vary depending on situation and the people involved?
How has your boundary setting protected you?
How has your boundary setting hurt you?
If you could choose one boundary to set right now with no concerns of the consequences, what would it be?
Additional resources:
The Better Boundaries Workbook: A CBT-Based Program to Help You Set Limits, Express Your Needs, and Create Healthy Relationships – Sharon Martin
Boundaries: Why You Need Them & How to Set Them (YouTube – The Holistic Psychologist)
Comments