What makes your heart happy?
A question that is often met with a blank stare because the reality is that we rarely spend time considering what matters to us. We can list reams of things we are unhappy with in our lives, in the people around us, in the world but naming what makes us feel good, what is important to us is a challenge.
Why values matter in therapy
Values offer a guide, they can help us to recognise whether or not we are moving in the right direction in life. They are personal, meaningful concepts which we can use to choose our actions. Without a sense of what matters to us, we are wandering without a map feeling lost and confused. This is okay, getting lost and ending up in the wrong place sometimes leads us to discovering something unexpected. But, spending too much time aimlessly roaming can also result in feelings of dissatisfaction that we can quite put our finger on an explanation for. Everything can just feel a bit fuzzy.
In therapy, figuring out what is important to you helps to set the direction of sessions and ensures that your therapist has an understanding of your agenda. Reflecting on values ensures that we don’t just join on the aimless wandering indefinitely but we help you to find a map.
Why is it so difficult to identify values
You are not alone if you struggle to name your values or what matters to you. It’s a common struggle particularly for young adults. We grow up with so much being pushed on us, our maps are drawn out and the route decided early on. We follow the paths that our parents, teachers and society sets for us without pausing to think about whether the destination will be meaningful for us. When we do take a pause on the journey, we can become flooded with confusion and start to question everything.
Did I really want this job/degree/partner or was I just following what I was told I should aim for?
Spiralling, exploring these questions and the feelings is a necessary step to move through them. But, at some point, we’ll want to start figuring out how to get back on the road and which road we want to take. Therapists can help explore this but should never draw another route and push you in a direction that doesn’t sit right with you.
How to identify values
There are many techniques that can be utilised to clarify your values, I’ll share some resources below. As a starting point, spend some time considering these questions for yourself. Write down your answers and read them out loud, this can help us to recognise if it feels true to say or if perhaps we are repeating values that do not truly belong to us. Not all of these domains will be relevant so leave out those which are not.
Answer the questions in relation to the following areas: personal growth, parenting, family, friendships, intimate relationships, work, leisure, community and spirituality.
What is important or meaningful to you in this area?
What sort of person do you want to be in this area? What qualities do you want to cultivate? How do you want to behave?
What do you want to stand for in this area?
Our values change over time so even if you’ve identified your values previously, it can always be helpful to reflect on how accurate these are for where things are in our lives now.
Summary
The task of identifying our values can support a more meaningful and purposeful engagement in therapeutic work. Our values are often buried under the expectations and beliefs of others so it can take some digging to uncover them. Once realised, we have the opportunity to choose our own path and continuously check against our map if we are heading in the direction we want to be.
Resources
Core Values – Positive Psychology (PDF worksheet)
Living into Our Values – Brene Brown (PDF worksheet download)
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