Trust is a key element for effective therapy. We need to trust the therapist to handle what we bring and to maintain confidentiality. We need to trust the process of therapy and have some belief that there will be a benefit to attending. We also need to trust ourselves, have some level of confidence in our ability to change.
For some people, trust is a big challenge. Not everyone has a blueprint of a trusting relationship, we might not even know what it feels like to trust another person. This can be particularly true for people who have grown up without being able to rely on parents or caregivers to meet their needs. Alternatively, we might be really quick to trust and use this as a way to connect to people, firmly believing that most people can be trusted. This might signal a generally positive experience over time of trusting relationships. There is no right and wrong here, just a recognition of our relationship to trust.
People often ask how long it takes to build a trusting relationship in therapy and that question is impossible to answer. Everyone is different and the level of trust we have in therapy varies. For one person, they might be in therapy for years and never reach a point that someone else would say they fully trust the therapist. For others, it could take just a few sessions. We all have different starting points and the ‘end’ point will vary, too.
Here are some things that might indicate you trust your therapist:
You’re being honest about your feelings
Unlike our daily interactions where we might follow the social expectation of ‘I’m alright’ when asked how we are, therapy offers a space where we might feel more comfortable being honest. Sure, your first response might still follow social conventions but given the space and time, you’ll find yourself able to share how you’re feeling even if the answer is “I don’t really know”.
You correct your therapist’s mistakes
I once had a therapist that called me the wrong name on more than one occasion. After correcting them once, I didn’t feel able to do it again. This was a sign for me that something was amiss in the relationship! When we trust someone, we feel more able (even if it’s still difficult) to point out their mistakes. We might say “I think you’ve misunderstood” and clarify something, for example. If you don’t feel able to correct a therapist’s mistakes, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. But it could be worth reflecting on the reasons for this:
Are you afraid to upset your therapist?
Is it common for you to avoid correcting people in other relationships?
Is there something about the power dynamic that makes you uncomfortable, a sense that the therapist must in some way be ‘right’ even if it seems wrong to you because they’re the ‘expert’?
Therapists are humans, too. We make mistakes, say the wrong thing and have the capacity to do harm. Ideally, the therapist will pick up on their mistake, say sorry and work with you to explore the impact this mistake has had. Sometimes we might not recognise that we’ve done something wrong and as a client, it might feel like we have no options but we do. We can pretend it hasn’t happened (see above with the wrong name incident) which might result in us holding some level of disappointment or resentment towards the therapist. Or we can bring it up. Crucially it doesn’t have to be in the moment. I once bought something back to my therapist several weeks after being upset about how they’d handled something. It takes a lot of courage to do this kind of thing in relationships so give yourself grace if it takes a while.
You keep going even when it feels uncomfortable
“You might start to feel worse before you feel better” is a common phrase used about therapy. As you begin to explore your feelings and bring challenging things into your mind, it is very likely that you’ll experience discomfort. Facing realities that we have been avoiding or that we have never considered before is challenging. It doesn’t feel good. It’s understandable that many people start therapy and stop after a few sessions. Those that continue to show up even though it is difficult are likely trusting that they will start to feel better eventually and trusting the therapist to facilitate this.
You don’t filter things out
There may be parts of your life that are important to you but you don’t feel like you can talk about them in therapy. This is okay, not everything has to be bought to therapy but if it feels like you are holding back because of it, this could indicate a lack of trust. Generally speaking, a relationship of trust will allow us to be as we are without too much filtering.
One way you might filter is with language. It sounds simple but if swearing is a part of your everyday language, you should feel comfortable swearing in therapy. If you change the way you speak and the words you use to suit your assumption of the therapists’ preferences, you might find that you don’t feel comfortable to be yourself.
Conclusion
Whilst our capacity to trust is often related to past experiences in relationships, it is also important to consider whether there is something about the particular therapist you’re working with that is making it difficult to trust them. If this is the case and you feel as though you can’t bring it up with them (because the trust isn’t there), this could be a sign to try working with someone else.
If you’re struggling with trust in therapy, try to be open to using this as a way to get to know yourself and patterns of trust in relationships. There is nothing inherently wrong with struggling with trust but it can be useful to explore if it’s acting as a barrier in your life.
Reflection questions
What does trust in relationships mean to you?
How easy or difficult is it for you to trust people?
Do these difficulties get mirrored in therapy? Or do you predict that they might?
What would you like to be different about trust? How might you approach changing this?
Additional resources
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